The outward invisible sign of the inward invisible grace
CLAY: seeing its potential = an anthropic value. Vision is present
RUSSIAN DOLL: layering of cast characteristics, each of them distinct
CAP: perceived as hidden ugliness/ aesthetic choice, but irl = pragmatic utility of personal comfort.
1
Cold clay lay smooth, soft, sensitive, calm blue hues sunken into its sticky centre yielding moulding potential, not shaped. Needs shaper. Yet after shaping, impermanent, squashed. Blu-tacked—onto
The Babushka Doll: Lacquered dry, each face unified, or hidden, or laid bare, or layered, try, try, try, each phase interacting thrice, before they are kept away, swept away, Capped under, yellow folds used to cover the mess of hair, of thoughts, amass a fortune of faith now— hidden away, away.
neatness in silence.
2
Calm. Cold clay lay still in a cluster
.Their soundless surfaces smoothed, softened, sensitised,
but brimming with blue hues sinking, swirling into sticky centres,
yielding moulding potential, their ideas not shaped. (Need shaper)
Yet after shaping, i’m-permanent, i’m-potent. Lack-lustre like
The Babushka Dolls! Lacquered dry, frozen
faces unified, or hidden, or laid bare, or layered,
crackling whispered wisdom ye olden phrases amplified, before they are kept away, swept away, capped
under stretching fabric folds fumbling to cover the mess of hair, of thoughts, so!
amass a fortune of faith now— hidden away, away, neatness in silence.
Comments:
There is definitely a shift in approaching the poem. I can see how draft one is really a close description of the image while draft two attempts to make meaning from it. To mould it into a poem.
The part (in grey) is a good line. I like it.
The part (in blue) is a great example of how a noun can be turned into a verb. Play around with that more. It makes a poem much more interesting.
The parts (in magenta) are examples of words and punctuations that could be omitted or placed differently without altering the meaning of the lines. This is what revising poetry is. You keep it as condensed and clear as possible. Remove bits that do not do anything to your lines.
The parts (in yellow) are lines that do require multiple revisions.
What is the difference between words kept in brackets and those italicised?
There are also missed opportunities to experiment with different sensory experiences in your images. The bulk of the final stanza remains more abstract than concrete.
Calm. Cold clay lay still in a cluster
.Their soundless surfaces smoothed, softened, sensitised,
but brimming with blue hues sinking, swirling into sticky centres,
yielding moulding potential, their ideas not shaped. (Need shaper)
Yet after shaping, i’m-permanent, i’m-potent. Lack-lustre like
The Babushka Dolls! Lacquered dry, frozen
faces unified, or hidden, or laid bare, or layered,
crackling whispered wisdom ye olden phrases amplified, before they are kept away, swept away, capped
under stretching fabric folds fumbling to cover the mess of hair, of thoughts, so!
amass a fortune of faith now— hidden away, away, neatness in silence.
Potential to be shaped -> very nice progression, not shaped
To need shape, to shaped, to end of life. Maaaaybe it's just me, but it feels disconnected to you as a person?
Kept under/capped under – very nice transition; a mess/amass; I like that fortune of faith now hidden away, away has its own line – the first time your name appears, you are hidden away.
Love the last line, neatness in silence, but it sounds like from the poem, it's not neat at all, it's just hidden from view, imo the contrast is very nice.
Abstract characteristics that Can’t be shaped by 5 senses + concrete vivid descriptions
Why I believe that many of us are doomed— not doomed, that’s quite pessimistic— determined? Mm , destined for growth despite our degeneration is because that
I know that we have Unified common collective encoded within all living and progressing humans
We can choose to hold different priorities
We can choose conflict, to disagree, to distance ourselves,
And to uphold different beliefs.
We can choose to see the many differences that divide us. That we think— define us
But we have no choice in being intensely Connected
With this Truth-seeking Curiosity at our core
Our connection
Is not an option determinant
We have no choice but to follow
the natural order of wanting to Live, and Learn
—to be better. Thats what we share.
The Collective Core
You can choose to hold different priorities.
You can choose conflict, to disagree, to distance yourself,
And to uphold different beliefs.
You can choose to see the many differences that divide us
that you think— define us.
But we have no choice in being intensely Connected
With Truth-seeking Curiosity at our core
Our Connection
Is not an option
We have no choice but to follow
the Natural Order of wanting to Live, and Learn, and Love.
Together.
POETRY
Objet Trouve (found object)-
Erasure Poetry
Blackout Poetry (popularised by Austin Kleon)
End with a strong image. Never add on, unless it extends to that metaphor or
Tough.
Sun hurts, as much as she nourishes.
I don’t know why, on days like these, she just pops up like a rash. Prickling my skin, now beading up.
It’s like a- a rush of heated emotions,
a kind of connection, unbroken,
beaming right into my blood.
And all my awe, she’s warm.
And then she’s hot.
Withdraw, withdraw! The shade seals me up
with shadows for stitches,
dip my wounds deep into the pool,
a sizzle I hear before the coolness seeps in. closing, curling.
She told me the Sun hurts, as much as she nourishes.
I love her but I do not like her
I like her but I do not love her
She cannot have both.
meek measures are taken
a mug, muted, still tinkling as i swill at each pill a pause
i listen to its tunes, thinking before i swallow
sing play pure notes a refrain hold
two drops of sweat glistening wind on soft dunes of skin
eerie tingling ache unsurfaced held
release in the key of G
1
meek measures taken a muted mug still tinkling as i swill
at each pill a pause i listen to its tunes thinking before i swallow
sing play pure notes a refrain hold
two drops of sweat glistening wind on soft dunes of skin
eerie tingling ache unsurfaced held
release in the key of G (sin)
my mystery medicine
meek measures taken a muted mug still tinkling as i swill
at each pill a pause i listen to its tunes thinking before i swallow
sing play pur e notes a refrain hold
two drops of sweat glistening wind on soft dunes of skin
eerie tingling ache unsurfaced held
release in the key of G (sin)
Comments, Draft 1:
Nice play of line and word arrangement. You are taking risks with line and space. I enjoyed reading this draft.
I also like the cohesiveness of your imagery: it is a single picture painted in words.
Line 4: in yellow, an effective line that harmonizes sound with imagery.
There are lines, however, that require further tweaking / revising:
Line 2: in gray, while I appreciate the alliteration used here, the imagery is unclear. What tunes?
Line 3: in green, this too doesn't hold the same quietness observed in the rest of the poem. This has to do with the word 'pure', what's the intended auditory image behind it? How does it sound like?
2
dependency
meek measures are taken,
a mug, muted —
still tinkling as i swill at each pill, a
p.a.u.s.e.,
i listen to its tunes, thinking before i
swallow —
G
G
G
sinGGGGGG play pure notes, a refrained hold;
two drops of sweat glistening, wind on soft skin,
an ache holding
eerie crawlings, unsurfaced,
tingling up and down the spine,
draw breath — and then there is release in the
G
G
keyy offf gggG
G
G
Gggggg…
(pls ignore this part cuz it’s for self reference:)
reaction/understanding: drug addiction? could be about finding release in drugs
why? because of the words pill, the hesitation, the high you get thus the last line
AN INSIGHT.
'Meek measures' show a sense of restraint, possibly wariness from a previous experience. The 'muted cup' could indicate a desensitisation/detachment of tactile+auditory senses. The line break ends with 'still', which places into perspective that the observation of the mug as 'muted' is the default sensation at present.
Nonetheless, the next line continues with 'tinkling', which shows how 'still tinkling' can be an indication of an expectation of the psyche– an expectation of what the ingestion of the drug may bring.
'As I swill at each pill' seems to confirm the idea that this is not an initial experience; the subject is taking multiple pills.
And yet the sense of restraint (or hesitation) could be interpreted from the 'pause' before committing the act of taking the pill (though this can be interpreted as savoring the anticipation of taking drugs as well).
'I listen to its tunes' betrays the potency of anticipation, of what the drug will bring. The last strain of coherent thought is evident in 'thinking before I swallow', which unwinds as the pills take effect.
The effects of the drug can be understood as a soft stimulant. The semantic field of music is interwoven into the piece, suggesting a linkage to a heightened auditory sensation represented by 'melodies' found in drug use.
And 6. Tactile senses are also heightened as the precise presence of (2 drops) sweat is noticed 'on skin'. The lines end on 'wind', pairing with 'sweat', which suggests a cool sensation, adding to the revitalisation of sensory experience through drugs; also providing an idea of the void felt in the absence of the drug.
7. The drug is taking effect with 'tingling' to the intensity of an 'ache' as the significance of a feeling breaking through dullness. This feeling is still seen to be actively under control with the action under the surface 'unsurfaced held'.
8. The poem seems to end with a full unravelling, graphological elements can be exaggerated to accentuate the release. The melody that is experienced becomes more defined, and is given the name 'G', possibly referring to the grandiosity of its chord progression / enhancement of sexual activity through the singing / vocalisation of playing the 'G spot' as an instrument
A yam goring served up
thumb barn a sealer mark
Such fruits as these
No man can carry:
Half their bloom would fly,
Half their dew would dry,
Half their flavour would pass by.
Sit down and feast with us,
Be welcome guest with us,
Cheer you and rest with us.”—
Until I vowed that since my brain
And eyes of dancing seemed so fain,
My feet should have some dancing too:—
And thus it was I met with you.
| DANIEL ROZIN INTERACTIVE ART | Works | About | Contact |
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| Glass Mirror Optical Sculptures : This group contains 2 pieces that are made mainly of the material of glass mirror. Where all the other pieces in the show adopt the paradigm or interaction model of a mirror, these pieces are based on the actual material of mirror and rely on the complex optical behavior of this material. | |
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Broken Red Mirror - 2000, 2003 |
 Broken Red Mirror when viewed from an angle. |  Broken Red Mirror viewed from front. |  Broken Red Mirror at the Israel Museum |
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